shades of grey
by mustang
Summary: max finds a letter from Ben explaining the reasons for his actions. the main reason is NOT the "game" with the inmate. i suck at summaries, so if you really want to know what it is about, read it.


disclaimer:

disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Dark Angel. I also do not own the lyrics to the song Ryme and Reason. They are owned by DMB.

AN: I thought that Ben was possibly the most interesting character that has been introduced on DA. I decided to write an explination for his actions that is not just the whole X-5 vs. death row inmate thing. Please read and review. Critisism is important for writers.

**SHADES OF GREY**

After Max killed Ben, she ran. She had not wanted to kill Ben, but he had looked so desprate. He really did not want to go back to Manticore. Max ran away from the woods and torwards the city of Seattle. Her first instinct was to run to Logan, but she quickly dismissed the idea because he would want to know what happened to Ben, and she wasn't ready to explain. So she ran to the Space Needle. She stood on the outside thinking "Why?" she asked the polluted air "Every one of us killed that inmate, but why couldn't you leave Manticore in Gillete? None of the others became serial killers." She spent a good amount of time pondering those questions, but couldn't come up with an answer. As it began to get dark, she walked into the Space Needle. A notebook sitting on the ground caught her attention. When she picked it up a letter fell out of it. The envelope had her name on it, so she opened it. Inside was a letter, it said

"_Dear Maxie,  
I know that you will never fully understand why I must do what I do. But I wrote this letter in order to try to answer your questions. When we were in Manticore, we were taught certain things. Sure, we learned how to kill, but more importantly, we learned the importance of duty, disipline, and missions. Our lives there were structured completly. Lydecker created a world that was always in black and white, there was never ment to be any shades of grey or questions about life. But when people disappeared, there were more questions than answers. I was in search of an explination, and I found one. The soldiers that had disappeared had been having seizures. The seizures were a failing and Lydecker told us that failing was like a mortal sin. So he would take the failures away and put them with the Nomilees, who would cut you open and drink your blood. That was the bad place. Since there is a bad place, then logically there would be a good place also. The good place is ruled by the Blue Lady, who protects us in life. She tried to help Jack, but she was not strong enough because we failed her. She needed more Nomilee teeth, and we couldnot give her them. So she could not protect Eva and Jack. In that way, we are all responsible for their deaths. I will never forgive myself for that. I thought that everything would be all right after we escaped. But there were just more questions and less answers. I drifted around after the pulse, until I realized that if I did not complete my mission, I would end up in the bad place. My mission was to keep the Lady strong so that she could protect us from the Nomilees. Because, even outside Manticore there are Nomilees. They blend in with the crowds. They do not belive in the Blue Lady. If they are not Nomilees and they believe that the Lady will protect them, they will defeat me. If I complete my missions sucsessfully, I will be rewarded by going to the good place. I don't want to fail. I'm scared of failing. I don't want the Nomilee's to drink my blood. That is why I must continue with my mission.   
love, your brother,  
Ben"_

Max stared at the letter she was holding in her hand. " He didn't kill because he liked killing." Max thought "He did it because he was afraid for his life. Lydecker's constant reminders about missions and stuff sunk into his head. Just like his stories. He believed in the Blue Lady so much." She was still upset at him, but it helped that she was able to blame Lydecker. She looked at the note book. It was full of drawings of Nomilees and the Blue Lady. There was also a page dedicated to each of his siblings. She looked at hers for a while. It had a picture of a bird, balloon, trees, and other miscellanious objects. There was hardly any writing in the whole notebook, just the words mission, duty, and disipline. On the last page there was the lyrics to what she recognized as a pre-pulse song.

~_oh well oh well so here we stand  
but we stand for mothing  
my heart calls to me in my sleep  
how can i turn to it  
cause i'm all locked up in this dark place  
and i do not know (i'm good as dead)  
my head aches  
warped and tied up  
i need to kill this pain  
  
my head wont leave my head alone  
and i dont believe it will  
until i'm dead and gone  
my head wont leave my head alone  
and i dont believe it will  
until i'm six feet underground  
  
how long i'm tied up  
my mind in knots   
my stomach reels  
in concern for what i might do or  
what i've done  
it's got me living in fear  
well i know these voices must be my soul  
i've had enough of being alone  
but i have no place to go  
  
my head wont leave my head alone  
and i dont believe it will  
until i'm six feet underground  
lying in my grave  
lying wired and shut and quiet in my grave  
leave me here  
leave it to me to waste here  
  
so yong and here i am again  
talking to myself  
a tv blares  
oh man oh how i wish i didn't smoke   
or drink to reason with my head  
but sometimes this thick confusion grows  
until i cannot bear it at all~_

After Max read through the song, she stuck the notebook in her pocket. She did not think Ben would mind if she kept it. It did not answer all of her questions. But it helped her remember that he was not a monster or a mistake. 

THE END

AN: I dont think it turned out as good as I would have liked, but I wrote it at three in the morning, so I might change it. Please R&R.


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